Please have a read and tell me if this works?

http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapte鈥?/a>





Right, it's supposed to be dark. If you scroll down to the bottom and press previous then you can read the prologue if you'd like, it may be better that way. I would just like to know if you think it works. Thanks.Please have a read and tell me if this works?
If you do indeed want criticism from Y!A post an excerpt here. I, and lots of people who bother giving critique, don't follow external links.


Plus, worthy of publishing's rating depends on the view count, I don't really feel like advertising random people's works.





Anyhow. From what I did read I only saw one major flaw: description and information. After they ended, description and information started. Then they descriptively informed me some more with an epilogue of informative description.





First chapters should be light on that side and heavy on the action... If not, some theory can be stated, or the world they're in can be described. What you've told us so far doesn't matter merely 'cause this is our first meet with the characters...


Imagine a new girl in school sits next to you and starts telling you the story of her life... What the hell? We don't care about those characters so far... Two or three chapters, we might be interested in them, not now though.





You can have so many things instead of an informative descriptive dump as a beginning. Say, the jocks beat the guy up or have the populars pick on the girl, either way you can bring your story into a certain type of darkness called 'being a victim of children's/teen's cruelty'.Please have a read and tell me if this works?
I thiink you did a great job